Forgive the absence

I have been working on my health. The week before Thanksgiving I feel ill and was not able to do much. I had the worst stomach pains ever and vowed once and for all to ban the junk. I am not getting any younger and I am only hurting myself with my poor food choices.

I went on a juice fast for 3 days, and immediately started the Whole30 program. I am going on three weeks with the whole thirty and I am feeling much better.. no more bloat, gas or acid reflex.

I will keep you guys posted I am just taking time to work on my health.

Shame will get you nowhere

You hear me out there.. SHAME WILL GET YOU NOWHERE!!!!


Don't apologize for being you. Don't ever for one second not think that you are worth it. I have allowed myself to live in shame for the past 27 years and I am sooo over it!


Go out and do something that will make you laugh today.

Make it a good one. Enjoy the holiday season don't put yourself down. Another year is almost over and I don't know about you but I am really looking forward to 2015.


Have a great Thursday everyone.

Tacos

Hello everyone. I had a bit of an episode yesterday. I binged on Tacos and burritos and anything that I could shovel into my mouth. I don't do well with stress, I don't do well with set backs.

But today is a new day and with that comes a new beginning.  I hope that you are all doing well this morning and remember emotional eating is normal and part of life.

Don't allow yourself to feel shame for "falling off the wagon" Because in reality there is no wagon.


Don't let your yesterdays dictate your tomorrow's.


Drink your water , get out and take a walk and enjoy all the people around you that love you.

You are awesome!

The beginning is always the hardest

I am not advocating for "Skinny" or "Thin" I am just tired of being fat. I am tired of feeling tired. My body deserves better. I am giving myself one year to lose 50 lbs. I can do it!

I will give myself until 10/31/15 to get down to 180lbs. This is what I weighed before I started having kids. I miss being able to run without getting winded and I miss being able to get comfortable when lying in bed.

I am doing this for my health. I have spent the last year working on my mental health it is now time to work on my physical health.

Join me. I will be posting recipes and weekly weight ins.... I am nervous but I need you to know whoever is reading this that you are not ALONE!

I struggle daily with doubts, stress, loneliness, and depression.

I never knew that marriage would be so hard, I also never thought that being a mother would be so fulfilling ( but at times draining)

I am tired of trying to keep quiet.. I am not going to be shamed to remain quiet anymore.

Hello My name is Angela and although I am not a size 2 I am beautiful. I am a mother of 4 and a wife. I work full time and barely have enough time to apply makeup in the mornings ( Most days I don't wear makeup)

My life is hectic and I am not always in the greatest mood.


But it's okay.

Here goes nothing.. Day One



I woke up late this morning I could not find the energy to get out of bed. I had stayed up all night with my baby boy who had a fever all night. When I finally dragged myself out of bed.. it was already 6 am I usually start my days at 5 am so you can see that from the get go I was doomed.

When I finally managed to get out of the house. I forgot my lunch and breakfast on kitchen counter..... so needless to say I was hungry and needed food.. I drove to the nearest fast food joint and ordered a small breakfast meal. I could allow the guilt to get to me.. but a girl has to eat... so lesson learned today.

Life gets in the way sometimes... go with it. One meal will not make or destroy your efforts.

Have a great day everyone! and remember you are beautiful and you are worth it!

Monday Mornings

Good Morning everyone :) Can you believe that we are now half way through October? I can't believe how fast time is going by. I remember when I was 17 and I felt as though time was going by too slowly. I couldn't wait to be a grown up.

It's easy to get caught up in our day to day routines. But sometimes we need to pull back and look at the bigger picture. What are we really doing with our time? What are we experiencing? Do we accept the good along with the bad?

As I get older I am beginning to realize that not everything is about me. Or has to do about me. Being a mother really takes a toll on our whole meaning of " ME" it all of a sudden becomes a "THEM"

"THEM" meaning our families. We take care of them, feed them, and lend a ear or a shoulder to cry on.

More often then not we put our needs behind us. We tell ourselves that our needs can wait.

I say make sometime for you. Even if just 5 min of reading your favorite magazine. You need to make time for "ME" if you don't then you will start to lose your sense of self-worth and will eventually begin to give up on the idea that you will ever be happy.

My biggest struggle although sometimes seeming irrational when I am emotionally stable is my weight. I feel as though I am being judged for how big I am. Or being judged because I let myself go. When my self pity party starts to take form I tend to reach for the sweets.


Monday mornings always begin the same way. " This week I am going to lose 2 lbs" But as the week goes by and I am met with deadlines and tantrum throwing children then I lose all motivation and reach for the cookies.

This isn't healthy nor is it doing me any favors.


I have decided to let it go. I am no longer going to obsess over what I don't have. Instead I am going to focus on what I do have.


I am done using my weight as a scape goat for the real problems that I need to address. I am not sure what problems I will uncover but I owe myself the chance to figure them out. I am tired of living, breathing, and thinking about my weight. Life is proving to be much shorter then I had originally anticipated . I have decided that I am not going to continue to live it consumed by my fears anymore.

So ladies...make time for yourselves. Enjoy your life and forget about Trying...and focus of Doing.

Saturdays are my favorite day of the week

It's the day that I get to stay home and enjoy my children. I hope that you all had a wonderful Saturday :)

Do you find yourself counting?

Let it go ( as Elsa would say from Frozen) You are so much more then numbers

Calories
Weight
Pants size

We are all beautiful no matter what size. In order to have any positive changes in our lives then we have to start with self-acceptance.

Tell yourself today " I love myself unconditionally Right Now!"


You can't achieve anything until you've accepted who you are. No amount of weight loss can help you achieve self acceptance. Our children need happy, positive, and loving mothers.


HAPPY FRIDAY! ( Which I have dubbed Chocolate Cupcake day)

Love oneself

You gotta do it, You have to love yourself unconditionally because no one else will. You have accept every flaw every unwanted pound.


I am here to tell you that you are PERFECT!


I haven't gone away I am still here and I am not going anywhere.

More posts to come.

For better or for worst.

Sometimes life will throw you curve balls, and sometimes they are home run throws. But in either case you have to throw caution to the wind and run.

I have been with my husband for 5 years. In February we will celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary. I am very blessed to have a dedicated father for my children. Although I love him and wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world. He has a problem.

I never considered my husband  an alcoholic. He has always been the life of the party and always composes himself well while drinking.

The only reference that I have of an alcoholic is my step mother. She on the other hand is disruptive, violent, and not functional when intoxicated. 

Over the years my husband has started to drink more, and he is still the life of the party. But it is becoming clear that he drinks too much. He needs the alcohol to feel normal.. he needs to drink to drown out his insecurities.

On top of this he has started gambling.....

I have been patient
I have blamed myself
I have taken to heart words that he has uttered while intoxicated.

I always told myself...if only I

 He said he would stop.

He is just stressed.

But coming into terms with his drinking problem, has helped me make sense of all of the things that I have carried around with me for so long. The hurtful words cannot be taken back. But it is becoming clear that there are deeper issues at hand here that need to be dealt with.

I have been doing my research, and before I can help my husband I need to fix me. I need to deal with my demons. I need to be mentally strong enough to handle what the future holds.

I know that he will go back to drinking in a couple of days.. this time I will not take it personal.

I have to be strong..

I have to have courage.

I promised to be here through better or through worst... and I am not going anywhere.

It's easier when it's not my fault

At times it is easier to blame others for your faults. To blame others for everything that is wrong with you and wrong in your life. But it's not about anyone else. It's about you.

How you react
How you perceive
How you handle
How you Think

The first step to healing.. is acceptance

I am ready accept my faults and the faults of my loved ones. I am in love with an alcoholic and I am ready to start dealing with it. I am no longer going to brush it under the rug.

Step One is down... where do I go from here? (uncharted territory)

The little things

Being a mother it is not easy... everyday is a struggle. You constantly have to fight with not only your children but your better half as well. Throw work and marriage into the mix... and it's no wonder that most of us are going CRAZY!

Don't get me wrong.. I try not to let it all get to me. I really do...but it's not as easy as 1...2...3

There are day's that I don't get more then 3 hours of sleep... or the days that OOPS...I forgot to pay the electric bill.

But among all this chaos... there are the moments... the little sweet moments that make it all better.

The kind of moments that songs are made up from.

My youngest daughter has just started pre-k she is 4 years old... ( time flies by too fast)  I have been having trouble getting her to eat her lunch at school. So while I was at the store I saw a sandwich kit with a  cookie cutter looking thing. It is in the shape of a heart... How cute is that? So I bought it!

Let me tell you that when I say she liked it... it is a bit of an understatement... she LOVED IT!!!!

She asked for two hearts today :)  

Yes Score Mommy 1 and Picky Kid 0

My husband made fun of me when I bought it... but guess who had the last laugh (lol..... throwing my hands up in the air with victory)

Yes everyday is a struggle.. I don't always wear makeup.. and there are days that I don't get to shower in the morning..

But I live for these small moments... I live to see the smile on my children's faces...

They make it all worth the pain.

Am I crazy?

It is easy to get caught up in the chaos that sometimes is your life. the endless to do list, there is always two more things added as soon as you cross one off.

Like many woman I get overwhelmed.. which in turn flips a switch. Needless to say I turn into a raving maniac. Which includes, yelling, crying, swearing, and then finally begging for forgiveness. ( usually trying to get my husband to forgive my slip ups) I try not to go off of the deep end. But it happens anyway.

The worse part of it all is that I don't even realize that I am doing it sometimes. I don't even see the clear signs that my husband seems to already have memorized and has the perfect responses at hand to pull out the instant that My mommy hulk persona starts to make her appearance.

" Here we go again.."
" It's going to be one of those days.."
"wow are you on your period?"
" Maybe you should take a nap"

His answer to everything is take a nap... instead of talking or hearing me out. Go take a nap.

Because I am obviously crazy and causing his perfect day to come to an end.

But I want to know..

Am I crazy?

Am I the only one that feels like this?

I am the only woman that can't hold it together?

I am guessing NO

But we are shamed to not talk about it. As if by admitting that we do have off days that we are no longer good mothers.

It's not true!

We need to allow our selves to vent. We have to be understanding...

Because sometimes our husbands really are clueless.

Things change... change with them

My youngest daughter is now enrolled in pre-k and it was really hard for me to let her go. But she was ready and willing to leave without even giving me a kiss goodbye.  Children grow up too fast. Enjoy all the small moments that make up your life. Because things can change from one day to the next.

It is easier said then done sometimes because life is no always perfect. It is easy to be blinded by the messier parts of life when things aren't going so well.

But all things come to end.. all things pass. We have to embrace change and look for the positives out of the negatives that are thrown at us.

Find your motivation.. find your spark.

Find that one thing that will push you to be better.

I found mine.. it's my children.

I want to lead them by example.

I want to let them know and show them that they are loved unconditionally.

I want them to be happy.

Letting go

Sometimes we are held back by fear

fear of -
1. Failure
2. Rejection


We have to look past these fears and push forward. If we don't then we will forever be stuck right where we are.

have a great week everyone!

Weight Loss/No Weight loss

Like many people I fluctuate between 5-10 pounds every year. Which I guess is Normal...but I still find myself getting depressed about it sometimes.

It seems like I can be on track with eating and exercising.. and then life happens.

One of my biggest struggles.. is I love sweets! Cookies, cakes, anything with frosting. If it's sweet I love it!

It has been 34 days since my last weigh in, and I think that I am about to lose it.

I never really thought about how much I depended on my scale. I depended on it  to tell me if I was fat or if I was thin.

This last month has forced me to focus on me.

How I feel about my body
How I feel about my life
How I feel about....
You name it. ( the flood gates opened once I stopped stepping on the scale)

Letting go of the scale has forced me to do some real digging into my insecurities.

Whenever I would fall short of perfect I would somehow flip it and make it about my weight.

The scale served as reminder that I was not worthy of acceptance.

It is easy for me to sit here and preach about self love to my children and to you. But unless I can truly accept myself in my entirety . Then I am a fraud.

I promised myself that this year would be different.

I was going to start living.. and stop simply existing.

Now that I have gotten the scale out of the way. I will now focus on other things.

I am going to walk every morning.. rain or shine

I am tired of allowing the negative comments to rule my life.

I will no longer eat the chocolate bar in the security of my car so that my husband wont know.
I will no longer hide my body under layers of clothes.
I will no longer allow the scale to own my emotions.

I am done fantasying about a perfect Number that I will probably never see on the scale ( you know we all have that number in our heads...but it usually just results in that number changing once you've reached it)

I need to look at the bigger picture. I need to love myself no matter what size.. and I need to live my life.

Join me.. Throw the scale away. Focus on you.. on how you feel. Focus on the inside. Because our families deserve the best versions of what we can be.

Perfection

Sometimes I feel like I am expected to be nothing less then perfect. I am supposed to always have it together. I am supposed to have all the answers.
If I am having an off day or I decide to eat the whole cake. I am judged. I am ridiculed for not having more self control. It is hard trying to keep a personal life when you are a mother. But our sanity as women lies within our relationships with our girlfriends.

Having dinner with friends once a month is not considered selfish.. it is a necessity.

I love being a mother and wife. But somewhere in all of the chaos of daily routines I am bound to have an "episode" as my husband would put it.

I am able to forgive and forget... I just wish my husband was.

One bad move from me will guarantee a week of reminders and scolding.

It just isn't fair is it?

I started this blog because I wanted to remind myself and others out there that we as woman are not alone.. we all experience the same pressures. We all just want acceptance.

Something has to change.... I am tired of always feeling like Sh*t.

How can I expect my daughters to be confident in themselves. If all I am able to show sometimes if self doubt and self hate?

I am ranting and yes I am about to start my period.


But it shouldn't have to be shameful to express how you really feel.

Woman are emotional and there is beauty in that.

I am not hiding behind closed doors anymore... why hate something that can't be controlled.

I am an emotional mess.. and lucky for my husband Aunt rose is moving in for the next week.

Embrace your mood swings ladies... for without them we would be boring anyway.

Sometimes it has to be about me

You just have to put yourself first. You can't be expected to keep a happy home if you are not happy yourself. I struggle with this everyday.

But it can be done.

Go for a walk

Breath and de-stress.

Still here

Been really busy. Funny how life is that way sometimes. I used to be in such a bad place in my life that it just kind of slipped away from me. Somehow one year would turn into two.

I am determined to not let that happen anymore.

It stops now!

Life is too precious to not live it.

Go out and try something new.

Happy Hump Day Everyone.

Chocolate Cupcakes

I love Hostess chocolate cupcakes you know the ones with the cream filling. Yum! I allow myself to have them every Friday ( if not limited I will eat them all day long)

I officially start school on Monday and I am really excited and nervous. I haven't been in school for 4 years. At first I was hesitant.. I felt that maybe I should put it off a little longer. You know maybe not go back to school until the kids were all in school. Or maybe once I had enough money saved up. So in other words I didn't want to go back ( or at least tried to convince myself) until I had all my ducks in a row.

But then something happened. This past year has been a big one for me. I am starting to realize how fast time really goes by. As a child it drags on. But now that I am a mother and work it seems to be going by in a blink of any eye. My husband and I are going on 6 years together. It is just all happening too fast.

I am quickly approaching 30 and I don't really have anything to show for it.

I have always been too scared to try... new things, foods, or even a new route to work.

The people that I looked up when I was younger are getting older. They are getting tired.

It really didn't hit home until my friends father passed away. It came as a shock because not so long before I had opened my home to his dad. I had just seen him. He looked fine.

But the stress of money and obligations got too much and he died from a heart attack. He wasn't too much younger then my dad.

Life is short and it's even shorter when your not out there living it.

All the time I have spent hating myself and waiting for someday. Could have been put to better use.

In honor of all those that have left us a little too soon. I will live my life.

It's too short to worry about anything too much.

We only get one chance... make it count.

Have a great Friday Everyone.

Go out and do something that you enjoy.....eat a chocolate cupcake ( you never know when it will be your last cupcake)

Breaking bad habits

I have heard that it takes 2 weeks to break a habit. I was hoping that by now it would have gotten easier. That somehow I would have stopped obsessing over it. But it still crosses my mind in the morning, after a meal, and right before bed.

I almost did it yesterday. I almost gave in...

I almost stepped on my scale.

It is no secret that I am trying to lose weight. I have mentioned before that I have 40 pounds that I want to free myself from.

But although I am trying to change my habits for the better. I was also becoming obsessed with my number. My journey to a better me should be focused on more then just my "Number"

The number can't measure how I am feeling... How much I have accomplished. It can't push me past my comfort zones.

I started this year like many others. Wanting change. Vowing that this year would be different. In doing this I know why I failed so many times before. I was focused on the number.

I was focused on only achieving that perfect number.

That number would change everything for me.

It would give me the confidence

It would give me permission.

But somewhere in all the tracking... calories, cardio, weight.

It hit me..... What the hell am I doing?

I knew my exact weight at all times of the day. It may sound like I am exaggerating but I am not. These are the times that I weighed myself.

First thing in the morning
After workout
After breakfast
Right when I got home
After dinner
Before I went to bed

I would weigh all these times with and without clothes. Trying to manipulate the number.

It wasn't healthy.

So tomorrow marks 14 days since my last weigh in. I decided to focus on other things.

How I felt
How far I could run
How good food taste

I let go of the guilt and gave myself permission to be me. Just me, no numbers associated.

My first goal was 50 days of no weigh in... but I am starting to think that I could go a whole year.

We will see after the 50 days.

Yes I want to lose weight.. but I also want to have a life free of guilt, judgment, and anxiety.

I don't know how much weight I will lose, Or how much I weigh. But I am choosing to focus on my life.

We have to work from the inside out. Remember you are beautiful, strong, smart, and worth it.

No number on that scale can tell let alone show you that. 

P.M.S.

Need I say more? It sucks... this time of the month that hits all women like a ton of bricks just plain blows. I have tried it all the; Midol, heating pads, soaking in hot bath. Anything out there you name it I have tried it. What I would really like to do is. Roll up into the fetal position and stay like that undisturbed for the full 5-7 days.

But it doesn't work that way.....

I still have a family to take care of.. obligations to fulfill. I can usually get through it...if and only if my husband doesn't comment... ( but don't they always?)

To them any bad day.. or sudden slip of the tongue.. anything out of the perfection that they believe you must uphold 24/7. Is met with the ancient old question( that I believe all men are born knowing)

"Are you on your period?"

I just want to say. what if I am? Get over it!!!

But it never happens that way. I usually just get dead silent and give my husband the death stare.

Why does every less then perfect action have to be met with this question?

Men really need to get a clue... just SHUT UP!!!!


But I never say that.... I just keep quiet and keep going.

They don't have a clue anyway... the only time that anything is urgent is if they are sick...

Then they act like babies.

I say forget them.

So what?

I am on my period and I am going to enjoy this slice of chocolate cake...or maybe the whole thing.

Words

With words such as fat, ugly, stupid, and loser. It's no wonder that we doubt our selves as often as we do. As woman and especially as wives( or girlfriends) we just want to be accepted. We want to be loved and appreciated. We want our significant other to make us feel beautiful. To feel sexy....we just need to them to help us feel anything. We want them to make us feel all the things that we don't think that we are worthy of.

But the truth is that no one can make us feel beautiful. If we don't already feel it for ourselves.

Words are powerful... but only if you allow them to be.

When we talk about ourselves( I am gulity of this myself) we always use negative words. But I think that in part we put ourselves down so much in hopes that someone will contradict us. That they will reassure us that we are worthy. That we are deserving  of the others words... the good ones.

Beautiful

Smart

Perfect ( at any size)

We need to believe and feel that we are already all these things. Because we are

You choose the power that words have towards you. Why not choose to believe only the best that you can be.

The know it alls

You know that type. You know who they are. They are the people in your life that seem to think that they know what is best for you. I get it all the time.
 the;
" Oh you shouldn't"
"Oh you could have."
"Are you sure you want to eat that?"

Yup  I have heard just about everything in the book. I used to allow these comments to get to me ( I still do sometimes). It's hard not to listen to the criticism. Especially when it comes from the people that are the closest to you. Our families are the best at getting under our skin aren't they?

Until recently I would cater to these comments. I would double think my actions and  find myself wondering if they were right?

I am here to tell you that non of that matters... the comments are not valid. They are not right.

Who do they think they are?

You are so much more in control then you think. You are capable of amazing things.

People only tend to put others down when they are not happy with themselves.

It's funny the only flaw that anyone can ever find in me is my weight...lol But it is a flaw at all? Our bodies change, we change. What is so wrong with having extra weight as long as I am healthy and happy?

about a year ago I realized that losing the extra weight would never solve all the other issues that I have. All the other insecurities about my body and my life. The weight is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have gone through periods of thin me and fat me... now I am just kind of stuck in limbo... somewhere in the middle. I have never been here before.

So I decided that the only way to claw myself out of the hole this time. Would be to work from the inside out.....

What do I really want?

What is right for me?

I am done and refuse to allow someone else to dictate how I should live my life.

The know it alls will always be there.

It's time to stop caring what they think..... ask yourself " What do I want?"

I asked myself the same question..... I want to be happy.

What about you?

Definition of Beauty

There are so many opinions out there in regards to what makes a person beautiful. Some think that it's a flat tummy. Others think that it's in the way that the person carries themselves. I used to think that I would never myself as beautiful unless I was within a certain weight range.

But as the years have grown on me. I have discovered a whole other side to me, that I never cared to see before.  I am so much more then my body. I have other qualities that are not physical.

I am kind, loving, and outgoing.

If we want our children to value themselves and see themselves as we see them. Then we have to show them what self love is by example.

I always say that we have to be the people that we want our children to be.

I encourage you to decide what beauty is..look beyond the exterior.

You might be surprised by what you find within yourself.

Numbers

I don't know how much numbers play in your daily life. But in mine they are the main component. It starts out from the night before. As I lay in bed I wonder how many minutes it will take me to dose off. How many hours before my son wakes up for his nightly drink. How many minutes it will take me to re-fall asleep.  The very thought of estimating how much sleep I will get is exhausting in itself I usually don't get much.

Then comes the morning alarm. I almost always push the snooze button at least once. Then after that it's the quick glance at the clock calculating the minutes until it gets too late and I have to force myself out of bed. It doesn't stop there. How many minutes I have to leave the house so that I wont be late to work.

I can name at least 5 other times that numbers are important in my day.

1. How many calories in my coffee.
2. How many minutes it will take for dinner to be ready.
3. How many dollars there are in the bank account.
4. How many hours before I can leave work.
5. How much the scale says I weigh.

The number game never stops. I am always calculating, recalculating, adding, subtracting, and labeling based on numbers. It's no wonder that half the time I am just way too exhausted to do anything more then the bear minimum of what I have to do.

I used to think that if I had all these numbers under control and just right down to the last sec. That I would somehow always be one step ahead. I would have it all figured out. I would always be one task away from perfection.

Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks or a slap in the face. I AM NOT PERFECT!!

I am me.
a....
mother
wife
sister
daughter
friend
employee
student
teammate

But somewhere in all of that. I am just a woman. I just want to be accepted, loved, and admired. The number game is efficient most days. But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Somewhere in all the organized daily calculations a little chaos is welcomed. It reminds me that I am not in charge. There is something greater out there. Something more powerful then the numbers. Something that doesn't care whether I am over weight, tired, or stressed. It goes on with or without my consent. It's a little thing called..

Life

So maybe today don't care so much about the numbers. Just eat the cupcake, sleep in past the alarm. Who cares how many minutes your cardio is or how many calories you are burning. Just eat good food, enjoy your down time as well as your busy time. Appreciate your body and enjoy how it feels to move it. Forget the  scheduled  bed time and watch a good movie in bed.

The numbers will always be there. But for today forget they are there.

The fantasy of being someone else

The grass always seems greener on the other side doesn't it? Someone else's life always seems so much more glamorous than our own. I often find myself wondering why I can't be more like my sister.. or the girl that stands in front of me in a grocery store. They always seem to carry them selves with so much more confidence. They don't seem to care what people think.

They are not dictated by their size or by their appearance.

The reality is that this is may not be true at all. They may very well be looking at me thinking the same things. I find that as woman we tend to have irrational insecurities. We always feel the need to be perfect. So we assume that the rest of the world perceives our flaws the same way that we do.

If I am eating a cupcake and feel guilty about it.. then I assume that everyone is looking at me with judgment. If I am wearing short sleeves then I assume that everyone is thinking what I am thinking. " Cover your arms up"

It is very unhealthy to be this insecure.

Don't get me wrong there are days that I love being me. I love my outfit. I love my hair. I love everything to do with me. But then this makes me feel guilty too. Why does it always have to be about me?

I should be focusing on improving my self so that I can help people. Help people understand that they are beautiful. Help people see that there is hope. No it's not all about me. But in order to make it about someone else I need to fix me.

Not that I am not perfect how I am. But I am broken.

This year has proven to be the most adventurous of my entire life. I have pushed myself past my comfort zones.

I joined a all woman's football team ( the experience helped me see that I am capable of so much more then I give myself credit for)

I shaved my head for St. Baldricks back in March. ( My hair was almost to my waist.) I never realized or I guess it never really mattered because I had hair. But without it I felt and still feel very unattractive. I feel vulnerable to judgment. I know that my husband is having trouble with the shorter hair too. But shaving my head has taught me to see all the other beautiful things about myself.

My newest thing. I am going to back to school after 4 years. I am nervous and excited.

The fantasy of being someone else may seem so much better then your reality. But if you don't like who you are. Change...it's never to late to change.

I am still working on me day by day.

Put yourself out there. Take risks. It wont always be pretty. But you will be glad that you tried. What do you have to lose?

I say go out there and became the fantasy that you think only someone else is capable of living.

Weight matters Why?

As a child I never saw myself as Fat or big until it was pointed out to me. Why is so much emphasis put on how much we weigh? People seem to care about your size whether you are big or small. I am no saint when it comes to passing judgment based on someone's weight.

But it needs to stop somewhere. What do I really gain from knowing my exact weight everyday or every week. I used to think that it was helping me. As if Stepping on the scale would keep my weight "under control" but the truth is, our bodies fluctuate.  They never weigh the same everyday, hour, or minute.

I am trying to lose weight. But why does the number on the scale have to be so important? I wish it wasn't so important.
I want to measure my success on how I feel. How fast I run. How far I can run. I want to measure my progress in beautiful clothes that make me feel beautiful. I want to feel sexy because I feel sexy not because the scale reads a number that is considered sexy.

 I have always been bigger. For my daughter it's different. That little girl can eat and run and eat all day. She is small although she is only 4 and I am aware that weight varies when they are smaller. I am tired of people judging her because she is not bigger like me. People are always trying to force feed her. People comment on her size all the time. They make it seem like I deliberately with hold food from her.

We should judge people by their abilities and personalities instead of their size. This is an ongoing issue and will probably always be an issue if we don't stop it now.

I refuse to allow a number dictate how I feel about myself. I refuse to allow a number to control how I am perceived to be by other people.

I am not lazy. I don't have an eating disorder. I am not unattractive. I am not a quitter.

I am me.

No matter how much I weigh.

Learning to Accept Compliments

This is always a bit of a challenge for me. Accepting a compliment without adding any negativity to it. Such as " Oh you look good today." and I will usually respond " Oh your nice. but I know your just being sweet."

There is nothing wrong with accepting a compliment. Compliments should make you feel good about yourself. Not make you doubt the other persons honesty.

I am working on accepting compliments myself. From now on I will try to respond with a simple " Thank you." Instead of testing the persons honesty.

Acceptance

We all want to be accepted. We all want to be loved and respected. Sometimes we do things that we shouldn't or wouldn't normally do to gain someone else's respect. I don't know if this is a bad or good thing. In some respect it shows that we care enough about the other person to compromise. It can also show our willingness to please and show a weak character.

Where does the issue of weight play in all of this? If you are willing to lose weight to gain respect, admiration, or acceptance. Does this mean that you are weak? Does the want of perfection make you shallow?

I have always been a larger person. As a child I hated myself and hid underneath layers of clothing. As a young adult I dieted to the point that I was considered thin. But as a woman and mother. I am now bigger, I struggle to lose the baby weight.

It frustrates me that I can't lose the last 40 pounds. I eat well, exercise daily, and try to get my sleep.( with 4 babies you can imagine the struggle) . Yet the weight seems to be coming off slowly.

At times I feel confident and happy with my body. Then a comment or a look will send my emotions spiraling and I lose any self acceptance that I had.

Why is so much emphasis put on our sizes?

Before I can expect people to accept me as I am. I have to be willing to accept myself with the 40 extra pounds and all.

Allowing myself to be happy

For so many years, I doubted myself. From what I was capable of to who I was. Fast forward to the present. I am now married, and a mother. On top of all these things, I am still me. Sometimes in the midst of trying to create the perfect image( Because we are all guilty of this) We forget about "Me". We forget about the idea of Me.

We are often brought up as woman to put our families first. Which I am not arguing with. There is joy in putting your babies needs before your own. But as women we need to remember to allow ourselves to be happy. How can we expect to keep a happy home if we are not happy?

I love being a mom. But I am tired to allowing my needs to be placed on the back burner. I am ready to allow myself to be free of guilt. I am ready to start allowing myself to be happy.