For better or for worst.

Sometimes life will throw you curve balls, and sometimes they are home run throws. But in either case you have to throw caution to the wind and run.

I have been with my husband for 5 years. In February we will celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary. I am very blessed to have a dedicated father for my children. Although I love him and wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world. He has a problem.

I never considered my husband  an alcoholic. He has always been the life of the party and always composes himself well while drinking.

The only reference that I have of an alcoholic is my step mother. She on the other hand is disruptive, violent, and not functional when intoxicated. 

Over the years my husband has started to drink more, and he is still the life of the party. But it is becoming clear that he drinks too much. He needs the alcohol to feel normal.. he needs to drink to drown out his insecurities.

On top of this he has started gambling.....

I have been patient
I have blamed myself
I have taken to heart words that he has uttered while intoxicated.

I always told myself...if only I

 He said he would stop.

He is just stressed.

But coming into terms with his drinking problem, has helped me make sense of all of the things that I have carried around with me for so long. The hurtful words cannot be taken back. But it is becoming clear that there are deeper issues at hand here that need to be dealt with.

I have been doing my research, and before I can help my husband I need to fix me. I need to deal with my demons. I need to be mentally strong enough to handle what the future holds.

I know that he will go back to drinking in a couple of days.. this time I will not take it personal.

I have to be strong..

I have to have courage.

I promised to be here through better or through worst... and I am not going anywhere.