For better or for worst.

Sometimes life will throw you curve balls, and sometimes they are home run throws. But in either case you have to throw caution to the wind and run.

I have been with my husband for 5 years. In February we will celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary. I am very blessed to have a dedicated father for my children. Although I love him and wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world. He has a problem.

I never considered my husband  an alcoholic. He has always been the life of the party and always composes himself well while drinking.

The only reference that I have of an alcoholic is my step mother. She on the other hand is disruptive, violent, and not functional when intoxicated. 

Over the years my husband has started to drink more, and he is still the life of the party. But it is becoming clear that he drinks too much. He needs the alcohol to feel normal.. he needs to drink to drown out his insecurities.

On top of this he has started gambling.....

I have been patient
I have blamed myself
I have taken to heart words that he has uttered while intoxicated.

I always told myself...if only I

 He said he would stop.

He is just stressed.

But coming into terms with his drinking problem, has helped me make sense of all of the things that I have carried around with me for so long. The hurtful words cannot be taken back. But it is becoming clear that there are deeper issues at hand here that need to be dealt with.

I have been doing my research, and before I can help my husband I need to fix me. I need to deal with my demons. I need to be mentally strong enough to handle what the future holds.

I know that he will go back to drinking in a couple of days.. this time I will not take it personal.

I have to be strong..

I have to have courage.

I promised to be here through better or through worst... and I am not going anywhere.

It's easier when it's not my fault

At times it is easier to blame others for your faults. To blame others for everything that is wrong with you and wrong in your life. But it's not about anyone else. It's about you.

How you react
How you perceive
How you handle
How you Think

The first step to healing.. is acceptance

I am ready accept my faults and the faults of my loved ones. I am in love with an alcoholic and I am ready to start dealing with it. I am no longer going to brush it under the rug.

Step One is down... where do I go from here? (uncharted territory)

The little things

Being a mother it is not easy... everyday is a struggle. You constantly have to fight with not only your children but your better half as well. Throw work and marriage into the mix... and it's no wonder that most of us are going CRAZY!

Don't get me wrong.. I try not to let it all get to me. I really do...but it's not as easy as 1...2...3

There are day's that I don't get more then 3 hours of sleep... or the days that OOPS...I forgot to pay the electric bill.

But among all this chaos... there are the moments... the little sweet moments that make it all better.

The kind of moments that songs are made up from.

My youngest daughter has just started pre-k she is 4 years old... ( time flies by too fast)  I have been having trouble getting her to eat her lunch at school. So while I was at the store I saw a sandwich kit with a  cookie cutter looking thing. It is in the shape of a heart... How cute is that? So I bought it!

Let me tell you that when I say she liked it... it is a bit of an understatement... she LOVED IT!!!!

She asked for two hearts today :)  

Yes Score Mommy 1 and Picky Kid 0

My husband made fun of me when I bought it... but guess who had the last laugh (lol..... throwing my hands up in the air with victory)

Yes everyday is a struggle.. I don't always wear makeup.. and there are days that I don't get to shower in the morning..

But I live for these small moments... I live to see the smile on my children's faces...

They make it all worth the pain.

Am I crazy?

It is easy to get caught up in the chaos that sometimes is your life. the endless to do list, there is always two more things added as soon as you cross one off.

Like many woman I get overwhelmed.. which in turn flips a switch. Needless to say I turn into a raving maniac. Which includes, yelling, crying, swearing, and then finally begging for forgiveness. ( usually trying to get my husband to forgive my slip ups) I try not to go off of the deep end. But it happens anyway.

The worse part of it all is that I don't even realize that I am doing it sometimes. I don't even see the clear signs that my husband seems to already have memorized and has the perfect responses at hand to pull out the instant that My mommy hulk persona starts to make her appearance.

" Here we go again.."
" It's going to be one of those days.."
"wow are you on your period?"
" Maybe you should take a nap"

His answer to everything is take a nap... instead of talking or hearing me out. Go take a nap.

Because I am obviously crazy and causing his perfect day to come to an end.

But I want to know..

Am I crazy?

Am I the only one that feels like this?

I am the only woman that can't hold it together?

I am guessing NO

But we are shamed to not talk about it. As if by admitting that we do have off days that we are no longer good mothers.

It's not true!

We need to allow our selves to vent. We have to be understanding...

Because sometimes our husbands really are clueless.

Things change... change with them

My youngest daughter is now enrolled in pre-k and it was really hard for me to let her go. But she was ready and willing to leave without even giving me a kiss goodbye.  Children grow up too fast. Enjoy all the small moments that make up your life. Because things can change from one day to the next.

It is easier said then done sometimes because life is no always perfect. It is easy to be blinded by the messier parts of life when things aren't going so well.

But all things come to end.. all things pass. We have to embrace change and look for the positives out of the negatives that are thrown at us.

Find your motivation.. find your spark.

Find that one thing that will push you to be better.

I found mine.. it's my children.

I want to lead them by example.

I want to let them know and show them that they are loved unconditionally.

I want them to be happy.

Letting go

Sometimes we are held back by fear

fear of -
1. Failure
2. Rejection


We have to look past these fears and push forward. If we don't then we will forever be stuck right where we are.

have a great week everyone!