The know it alls

You know that type. You know who they are. They are the people in your life that seem to think that they know what is best for you. I get it all the time.
 the;
" Oh you shouldn't"
"Oh you could have."
"Are you sure you want to eat that?"

Yup  I have heard just about everything in the book. I used to allow these comments to get to me ( I still do sometimes). It's hard not to listen to the criticism. Especially when it comes from the people that are the closest to you. Our families are the best at getting under our skin aren't they?

Until recently I would cater to these comments. I would double think my actions and  find myself wondering if they were right?

I am here to tell you that non of that matters... the comments are not valid. They are not right.

Who do they think they are?

You are so much more in control then you think. You are capable of amazing things.

People only tend to put others down when they are not happy with themselves.

It's funny the only flaw that anyone can ever find in me is my weight...lol But it is a flaw at all? Our bodies change, we change. What is so wrong with having extra weight as long as I am healthy and happy?

about a year ago I realized that losing the extra weight would never solve all the other issues that I have. All the other insecurities about my body and my life. The weight is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have gone through periods of thin me and fat me... now I am just kind of stuck in limbo... somewhere in the middle. I have never been here before.

So I decided that the only way to claw myself out of the hole this time. Would be to work from the inside out.....

What do I really want?

What is right for me?

I am done and refuse to allow someone else to dictate how I should live my life.

The know it alls will always be there.

It's time to stop caring what they think..... ask yourself " What do I want?"

I asked myself the same question..... I want to be happy.

What about you?

Definition of Beauty

There are so many opinions out there in regards to what makes a person beautiful. Some think that it's a flat tummy. Others think that it's in the way that the person carries themselves. I used to think that I would never myself as beautiful unless I was within a certain weight range.

But as the years have grown on me. I have discovered a whole other side to me, that I never cared to see before.  I am so much more then my body. I have other qualities that are not physical.

I am kind, loving, and outgoing.

If we want our children to value themselves and see themselves as we see them. Then we have to show them what self love is by example.

I always say that we have to be the people that we want our children to be.

I encourage you to decide what beauty is..look beyond the exterior.

You might be surprised by what you find within yourself.

Numbers

I don't know how much numbers play in your daily life. But in mine they are the main component. It starts out from the night before. As I lay in bed I wonder how many minutes it will take me to dose off. How many hours before my son wakes up for his nightly drink. How many minutes it will take me to re-fall asleep.  The very thought of estimating how much sleep I will get is exhausting in itself I usually don't get much.

Then comes the morning alarm. I almost always push the snooze button at least once. Then after that it's the quick glance at the clock calculating the minutes until it gets too late and I have to force myself out of bed. It doesn't stop there. How many minutes I have to leave the house so that I wont be late to work.

I can name at least 5 other times that numbers are important in my day.

1. How many calories in my coffee.
2. How many minutes it will take for dinner to be ready.
3. How many dollars there are in the bank account.
4. How many hours before I can leave work.
5. How much the scale says I weigh.

The number game never stops. I am always calculating, recalculating, adding, subtracting, and labeling based on numbers. It's no wonder that half the time I am just way too exhausted to do anything more then the bear minimum of what I have to do.

I used to think that if I had all these numbers under control and just right down to the last sec. That I would somehow always be one step ahead. I would have it all figured out. I would always be one task away from perfection.

Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks or a slap in the face. I AM NOT PERFECT!!

I am me.
a....
mother
wife
sister
daughter
friend
employee
student
teammate

But somewhere in all of that. I am just a woman. I just want to be accepted, loved, and admired. The number game is efficient most days. But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Somewhere in all the organized daily calculations a little chaos is welcomed. It reminds me that I am not in charge. There is something greater out there. Something more powerful then the numbers. Something that doesn't care whether I am over weight, tired, or stressed. It goes on with or without my consent. It's a little thing called..

Life

So maybe today don't care so much about the numbers. Just eat the cupcake, sleep in past the alarm. Who cares how many minutes your cardio is or how many calories you are burning. Just eat good food, enjoy your down time as well as your busy time. Appreciate your body and enjoy how it feels to move it. Forget the  scheduled  bed time and watch a good movie in bed.

The numbers will always be there. But for today forget they are there.

The fantasy of being someone else

The grass always seems greener on the other side doesn't it? Someone else's life always seems so much more glamorous than our own. I often find myself wondering why I can't be more like my sister.. or the girl that stands in front of me in a grocery store. They always seem to carry them selves with so much more confidence. They don't seem to care what people think.

They are not dictated by their size or by their appearance.

The reality is that this is may not be true at all. They may very well be looking at me thinking the same things. I find that as woman we tend to have irrational insecurities. We always feel the need to be perfect. So we assume that the rest of the world perceives our flaws the same way that we do.

If I am eating a cupcake and feel guilty about it.. then I assume that everyone is looking at me with judgment. If I am wearing short sleeves then I assume that everyone is thinking what I am thinking. " Cover your arms up"

It is very unhealthy to be this insecure.

Don't get me wrong there are days that I love being me. I love my outfit. I love my hair. I love everything to do with me. But then this makes me feel guilty too. Why does it always have to be about me?

I should be focusing on improving my self so that I can help people. Help people understand that they are beautiful. Help people see that there is hope. No it's not all about me. But in order to make it about someone else I need to fix me.

Not that I am not perfect how I am. But I am broken.

This year has proven to be the most adventurous of my entire life. I have pushed myself past my comfort zones.

I joined a all woman's football team ( the experience helped me see that I am capable of so much more then I give myself credit for)

I shaved my head for St. Baldricks back in March. ( My hair was almost to my waist.) I never realized or I guess it never really mattered because I had hair. But without it I felt and still feel very unattractive. I feel vulnerable to judgment. I know that my husband is having trouble with the shorter hair too. But shaving my head has taught me to see all the other beautiful things about myself.

My newest thing. I am going to back to school after 4 years. I am nervous and excited.

The fantasy of being someone else may seem so much better then your reality. But if you don't like who you are. Change...it's never to late to change.

I am still working on me day by day.

Put yourself out there. Take risks. It wont always be pretty. But you will be glad that you tried. What do you have to lose?

I say go out there and became the fantasy that you think only someone else is capable of living.

Weight matters Why?

As a child I never saw myself as Fat or big until it was pointed out to me. Why is so much emphasis put on how much we weigh? People seem to care about your size whether you are big or small. I am no saint when it comes to passing judgment based on someone's weight.

But it needs to stop somewhere. What do I really gain from knowing my exact weight everyday or every week. I used to think that it was helping me. As if Stepping on the scale would keep my weight "under control" but the truth is, our bodies fluctuate.  They never weigh the same everyday, hour, or minute.

I am trying to lose weight. But why does the number on the scale have to be so important? I wish it wasn't so important.
I want to measure my success on how I feel. How fast I run. How far I can run. I want to measure my progress in beautiful clothes that make me feel beautiful. I want to feel sexy because I feel sexy not because the scale reads a number that is considered sexy.

 I have always been bigger. For my daughter it's different. That little girl can eat and run and eat all day. She is small although she is only 4 and I am aware that weight varies when they are smaller. I am tired of people judging her because she is not bigger like me. People are always trying to force feed her. People comment on her size all the time. They make it seem like I deliberately with hold food from her.

We should judge people by their abilities and personalities instead of their size. This is an ongoing issue and will probably always be an issue if we don't stop it now.

I refuse to allow a number dictate how I feel about myself. I refuse to allow a number to control how I am perceived to be by other people.

I am not lazy. I don't have an eating disorder. I am not unattractive. I am not a quitter.

I am me.

No matter how much I weigh.

Learning to Accept Compliments

This is always a bit of a challenge for me. Accepting a compliment without adding any negativity to it. Such as " Oh you look good today." and I will usually respond " Oh your nice. but I know your just being sweet."

There is nothing wrong with accepting a compliment. Compliments should make you feel good about yourself. Not make you doubt the other persons honesty.

I am working on accepting compliments myself. From now on I will try to respond with a simple " Thank you." Instead of testing the persons honesty.

Acceptance

We all want to be accepted. We all want to be loved and respected. Sometimes we do things that we shouldn't or wouldn't normally do to gain someone else's respect. I don't know if this is a bad or good thing. In some respect it shows that we care enough about the other person to compromise. It can also show our willingness to please and show a weak character.

Where does the issue of weight play in all of this? If you are willing to lose weight to gain respect, admiration, or acceptance. Does this mean that you are weak? Does the want of perfection make you shallow?

I have always been a larger person. As a child I hated myself and hid underneath layers of clothing. As a young adult I dieted to the point that I was considered thin. But as a woman and mother. I am now bigger, I struggle to lose the baby weight.

It frustrates me that I can't lose the last 40 pounds. I eat well, exercise daily, and try to get my sleep.( with 4 babies you can imagine the struggle) . Yet the weight seems to be coming off slowly.

At times I feel confident and happy with my body. Then a comment or a look will send my emotions spiraling and I lose any self acceptance that I had.

Why is so much emphasis put on our sizes?

Before I can expect people to accept me as I am. I have to be willing to accept myself with the 40 extra pounds and all.

Allowing myself to be happy

For so many years, I doubted myself. From what I was capable of to who I was. Fast forward to the present. I am now married, and a mother. On top of all these things, I am still me. Sometimes in the midst of trying to create the perfect image( Because we are all guilty of this) We forget about "Me". We forget about the idea of Me.

We are often brought up as woman to put our families first. Which I am not arguing with. There is joy in putting your babies needs before your own. But as women we need to remember to allow ourselves to be happy. How can we expect to keep a happy home if we are not happy?

I love being a mom. But I am tired to allowing my needs to be placed on the back burner. I am ready to allow myself to be free of guilt. I am ready to start allowing myself to be happy.