Weight Loss/No Weight loss

Like many people I fluctuate between 5-10 pounds every year. Which I guess is Normal...but I still find myself getting depressed about it sometimes.

It seems like I can be on track with eating and exercising.. and then life happens.

One of my biggest struggles.. is I love sweets! Cookies, cakes, anything with frosting. If it's sweet I love it!

It has been 34 days since my last weigh in, and I think that I am about to lose it.

I never really thought about how much I depended on my scale. I depended on it  to tell me if I was fat or if I was thin.

This last month has forced me to focus on me.

How I feel about my body
How I feel about my life
How I feel about....
You name it. ( the flood gates opened once I stopped stepping on the scale)

Letting go of the scale has forced me to do some real digging into my insecurities.

Whenever I would fall short of perfect I would somehow flip it and make it about my weight.

The scale served as reminder that I was not worthy of acceptance.

It is easy for me to sit here and preach about self love to my children and to you. But unless I can truly accept myself in my entirety . Then I am a fraud.

I promised myself that this year would be different.

I was going to start living.. and stop simply existing.

Now that I have gotten the scale out of the way. I will now focus on other things.

I am going to walk every morning.. rain or shine

I am tired of allowing the negative comments to rule my life.

I will no longer eat the chocolate bar in the security of my car so that my husband wont know.
I will no longer hide my body under layers of clothes.
I will no longer allow the scale to own my emotions.

I am done fantasying about a perfect Number that I will probably never see on the scale ( you know we all have that number in our heads...but it usually just results in that number changing once you've reached it)

I need to look at the bigger picture. I need to love myself no matter what size.. and I need to live my life.

Join me.. Throw the scale away. Focus on you.. on how you feel. Focus on the inside. Because our families deserve the best versions of what we can be.

Perfection

Sometimes I feel like I am expected to be nothing less then perfect. I am supposed to always have it together. I am supposed to have all the answers.
If I am having an off day or I decide to eat the whole cake. I am judged. I am ridiculed for not having more self control. It is hard trying to keep a personal life when you are a mother. But our sanity as women lies within our relationships with our girlfriends.

Having dinner with friends once a month is not considered selfish.. it is a necessity.

I love being a mother and wife. But somewhere in all of the chaos of daily routines I am bound to have an "episode" as my husband would put it.

I am able to forgive and forget... I just wish my husband was.

One bad move from me will guarantee a week of reminders and scolding.

It just isn't fair is it?

I started this blog because I wanted to remind myself and others out there that we as woman are not alone.. we all experience the same pressures. We all just want acceptance.

Something has to change.... I am tired of always feeling like Sh*t.

How can I expect my daughters to be confident in themselves. If all I am able to show sometimes if self doubt and self hate?

I am ranting and yes I am about to start my period.


But it shouldn't have to be shameful to express how you really feel.

Woman are emotional and there is beauty in that.

I am not hiding behind closed doors anymore... why hate something that can't be controlled.

I am an emotional mess.. and lucky for my husband Aunt rose is moving in for the next week.

Embrace your mood swings ladies... for without them we would be boring anyway.

Sometimes it has to be about me

You just have to put yourself first. You can't be expected to keep a happy home if you are not happy yourself. I struggle with this everyday.

But it can be done.

Go for a walk

Breath and de-stress.

Still here

Been really busy. Funny how life is that way sometimes. I used to be in such a bad place in my life that it just kind of slipped away from me. Somehow one year would turn into two.

I am determined to not let that happen anymore.

It stops now!

Life is too precious to not live it.

Go out and try something new.

Happy Hump Day Everyone.

Chocolate Cupcakes

I love Hostess chocolate cupcakes you know the ones with the cream filling. Yum! I allow myself to have them every Friday ( if not limited I will eat them all day long)

I officially start school on Monday and I am really excited and nervous. I haven't been in school for 4 years. At first I was hesitant.. I felt that maybe I should put it off a little longer. You know maybe not go back to school until the kids were all in school. Or maybe once I had enough money saved up. So in other words I didn't want to go back ( or at least tried to convince myself) until I had all my ducks in a row.

But then something happened. This past year has been a big one for me. I am starting to realize how fast time really goes by. As a child it drags on. But now that I am a mother and work it seems to be going by in a blink of any eye. My husband and I are going on 6 years together. It is just all happening too fast.

I am quickly approaching 30 and I don't really have anything to show for it.

I have always been too scared to try... new things, foods, or even a new route to work.

The people that I looked up when I was younger are getting older. They are getting tired.

It really didn't hit home until my friends father passed away. It came as a shock because not so long before I had opened my home to his dad. I had just seen him. He looked fine.

But the stress of money and obligations got too much and he died from a heart attack. He wasn't too much younger then my dad.

Life is short and it's even shorter when your not out there living it.

All the time I have spent hating myself and waiting for someday. Could have been put to better use.

In honor of all those that have left us a little too soon. I will live my life.

It's too short to worry about anything too much.

We only get one chance... make it count.

Have a great Friday Everyone.

Go out and do something that you enjoy.....eat a chocolate cupcake ( you never know when it will be your last cupcake)

Breaking bad habits

I have heard that it takes 2 weeks to break a habit. I was hoping that by now it would have gotten easier. That somehow I would have stopped obsessing over it. But it still crosses my mind in the morning, after a meal, and right before bed.

I almost did it yesterday. I almost gave in...

I almost stepped on my scale.

It is no secret that I am trying to lose weight. I have mentioned before that I have 40 pounds that I want to free myself from.

But although I am trying to change my habits for the better. I was also becoming obsessed with my number. My journey to a better me should be focused on more then just my "Number"

The number can't measure how I am feeling... How much I have accomplished. It can't push me past my comfort zones.

I started this year like many others. Wanting change. Vowing that this year would be different. In doing this I know why I failed so many times before. I was focused on the number.

I was focused on only achieving that perfect number.

That number would change everything for me.

It would give me the confidence

It would give me permission.

But somewhere in all the tracking... calories, cardio, weight.

It hit me..... What the hell am I doing?

I knew my exact weight at all times of the day. It may sound like I am exaggerating but I am not. These are the times that I weighed myself.

First thing in the morning
After workout
After breakfast
Right when I got home
After dinner
Before I went to bed

I would weigh all these times with and without clothes. Trying to manipulate the number.

It wasn't healthy.

So tomorrow marks 14 days since my last weigh in. I decided to focus on other things.

How I felt
How far I could run
How good food taste

I let go of the guilt and gave myself permission to be me. Just me, no numbers associated.

My first goal was 50 days of no weigh in... but I am starting to think that I could go a whole year.

We will see after the 50 days.

Yes I want to lose weight.. but I also want to have a life free of guilt, judgment, and anxiety.

I don't know how much weight I will lose, Or how much I weigh. But I am choosing to focus on my life.

We have to work from the inside out. Remember you are beautiful, strong, smart, and worth it.

No number on that scale can tell let alone show you that. 

P.M.S.

Need I say more? It sucks... this time of the month that hits all women like a ton of bricks just plain blows. I have tried it all the; Midol, heating pads, soaking in hot bath. Anything out there you name it I have tried it. What I would really like to do is. Roll up into the fetal position and stay like that undisturbed for the full 5-7 days.

But it doesn't work that way.....

I still have a family to take care of.. obligations to fulfill. I can usually get through it...if and only if my husband doesn't comment... ( but don't they always?)

To them any bad day.. or sudden slip of the tongue.. anything out of the perfection that they believe you must uphold 24/7. Is met with the ancient old question( that I believe all men are born knowing)

"Are you on your period?"

I just want to say. what if I am? Get over it!!!

But it never happens that way. I usually just get dead silent and give my husband the death stare.

Why does every less then perfect action have to be met with this question?

Men really need to get a clue... just SHUT UP!!!!


But I never say that.... I just keep quiet and keep going.

They don't have a clue anyway... the only time that anything is urgent is if they are sick...

Then they act like babies.

I say forget them.

So what?

I am on my period and I am going to enjoy this slice of chocolate cake...or maybe the whole thing.

Words

With words such as fat, ugly, stupid, and loser. It's no wonder that we doubt our selves as often as we do. As woman and especially as wives( or girlfriends) we just want to be accepted. We want to be loved and appreciated. We want our significant other to make us feel beautiful. To feel sexy....we just need to them to help us feel anything. We want them to make us feel all the things that we don't think that we are worthy of.

But the truth is that no one can make us feel beautiful. If we don't already feel it for ourselves.

Words are powerful... but only if you allow them to be.

When we talk about ourselves( I am gulity of this myself) we always use negative words. But I think that in part we put ourselves down so much in hopes that someone will contradict us. That they will reassure us that we are worthy. That we are deserving  of the others words... the good ones.

Beautiful

Smart

Perfect ( at any size)

We need to believe and feel that we are already all these things. Because we are

You choose the power that words have towards you. Why not choose to believe only the best that you can be.